Only in Alabama, y'all...
Ostrich: Spann issues warnings to individual houses after realizing no one can read maps
James Spann zooms in his map to issue a warning to an individual house during a severe weather outbreak on Thursday.
(ABC 33/40, Google Maps)
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Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich
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on September 01, 2017 at 9:20 AM, updated September 01, 2017 at 9:26 AM
Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. This is a work of satire.
Forced to cater to the large number of Alabamians who are unable to read a map, Meteorologist James Spann gave specific household warnings during a severe weather event Thursday.
Spann proved his knowledge of Alabama geography extends well beyond road names and landmarks as he called families out by name on live television. With the map zoomed in as far as possible, Spann was able to draw polygons around individual houses, mobile homes, and apartment complexes with uncanny precision.
"Parker family, if you can hear me, get to your safe place immediately. All four of you. Or five if you let Aunt Tammy move back in the basement," yelled Spann as he drew a yellow circle around the Parker's home in Berry. "And I know it's pork chop Thursday, so make sure you take them out of the oven on time. You're going to overcook them again."
The Birmingham weatherman decided to take this new personalized approach after a quick glance at the comment section of his Facebook live video, which was littered with users unable to find themselves on a map. Over half of the comments were Alabamians asking for an update for their own city or community, while others simply asked Spann, "what about me," as if he could track their exact location in real time.
The live storm coverage continued for several hours as Spann named roughly 165,000 individuals who were in harm's way, but even more impressive was his ability to give meticulous instructions on how they should seek shelter.
"Most of you will want to turn your volume down now, this next lady is very hard of hearing," explained Spann as he focused on a small home outside Guin. "Miss Ethel! This is James! I need you to get in the storm shelter! And don't forget Whiskers, I'm sure he's behind the recliner! Go on now! Wheel of Fortune is not coming back on!"
According to neighbors, Ethel and Whiskers made it safely to their outdoor storm shelter. Next door, Eddie Price watched them scurry across the backyard before he was beckoned by Spann's voice.
"He called me by name and told me to put on a bicycle helmet and get downstairs," recalled Price as he carefully placed his television in a trashcan outside. "I told y'all they was watching me through that fancy smart TV, but I never thought they'd talk to me too."
While this new method of forecasting may have appeared highly effective, a quick survey of Facebook and Twitter posts revealed many Alabamians are unfortunately unable to identify an aerial view of their home. Some viewers reportedly put themselves in even more danger by going outside during the event.
"I thought they were showing my house on the TV, so I went outside to see if Spann had a camera pointed at me from the sky," explained Polly Franks, whose Hayden residence was nowhere near a polygon Thursday. "Plus I got a little worried because my car wasn't in the picture Spann was showing, so I thought it got repo'd again."
It's unclear for now if Spann will stick with this new warning method or revert to the older and more practical way, in hopes that Alabamians will eventually learn to find themselves on a map. At press time, Spann was adding the telephone number for every central Alabama resident to his contact list in case he needed to abandon maps altogether and just call people individually to give them weather updates.
[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich.]